The Good Old Table Hockey Game/Transcript
Davis Quinton: Well, what do you think? Karen Pelly: Nice. A vintage 1972 Jenson. Davis: I thought it was a table hockey game. Karen: Oh, yeah. You're right. Davis: Do you play? Karen: A little. Davis: Oh. Well, here, then. Let me show you how it's done. Karen: Yeah! Ten to nothin'! Whoo. Thanks for showin' me how it's done. Davis: Wow. Am I ever a good teacher. Lacey Burrows: What do you guys know about the DRYWA? Brent Leroy: It's the Dog River Youngish Women Association. Hank Yarbo: Right. Brent: They broke away from the Dog River Y. Lacey: Why? I mean why did they break away? Brent: Oh, something about yoga being a sin. Hank: Well, it is pretty sexy. So are you thinkin' of joinin' that, uh, D, D-R-Y, D-A-W... Lacey: Yes. And if I join, I can nominate someone as a distinguished woman. Brent: What's their definition of distinguished? Hank: A woman who was on fire and they put her out. Lacey: It's a woman who has distinguished herself. Hank: Oh, that's even harder. Lacey: By helping the community. I'm thinking of joining so I can nominate someone. Hank: Oh, that's just a scam to get new members. Lacey: It is not. You have to be a member of the organization... Hank: Scam. Lacey: Brent? Brent: I hate to say it but I'm with the guy who thinks we have a fire distinguisher in the hallway. Lacey: Well, even though it's the 21st century, I hate to tell you, it's a man's world and women have to stick together, and it's not a scam. And you have to stop thinking of women only in traditional roles. Brent: You're right. Hey, could you get me some more coffee? Lacey: Sure. Francine: Here's the coffee maker that you, as a member, would have access to. And we have a calendar that our members can come look at. Don't write on it. Lacey: This is very impressive. I'd like to join. Francine: Well, that's great, Lacey. Lacey: And I would like to nominate someone for your award. Francine: Fantastic. You know, a lot of people nominate someone frivolously. We don't truck with that here. That's why we broke away from the Y, that and yoga. Lacey: Well, the person I'm thinking of has done a lot for the community. Francine: And you can't nominate yourself. Lacey: Of course not. Francine (phone): DRYWA. Hank: No, no, no, no, no, no! Karen: Aaah! Hank: Man, that was unbelievable. I mean you wouldn't be able to beat Brent, but... Davis: I don't know. She's pretty good. Hank: Yeah. But I mean Brent's the best. You know? When it comes to table hockey, he's King of the Knobs. Karen: That's pretty high praise, considering the source. Lacey: And they have a calendar. But you can't write on it, which seemed fair to me. Brent: Is there a coffee maker? Lacey: Now I just need to find someone to nominate as a distinguished woman. Oscar: Oh, good luck finding a distinguished woman in Dog River. They're all a buncha stuck-up snobs. Lacey: Shame on you. This town has a lot of thoughtful, caring women. Wanda: Stop pawin' the candy, ya little pukes. Karen: No jaywalking. Charity Man: Hi. I'm taking donations for the... Lacey: There. All better. Girl: You can't nominate yourself, remember? Lacey: Oh, right. Charity Man: Excuse me? My tie's caught in the door. Lacey: I'll go with Emma. Oscar: She's the worst of the bunch. Hank: Hey. Karen just crushed me at table hockey. Brent: I didn't know she played. Hank: Yeah. And she called you a knob. You gotta go take her out. Oscar: I'll show that stuck-up cop who's a knob. Brent: I bet he will, too. Lacey: Mm-hmm. Wanda: So, uh, ahem, why would Lacey join the DRYWA? Brent: Oh, she wants to nominate somebody for the Distinguished Woman of Honour Award thing. Wanda: Did, uh, my name come up? Brent: No. Wanda: Why not? Brent: Oh, well, you're too... Wanda: Young? Brent: All right. Oscar: Well, that was easier than I thought it would be. Brent: Oh, so you won the game? Oscar: No. I meant walkin' here from the Cop Shop. I thought it was further. Karen stomped me at table hockey. Wanda: Karen plays table hockey? Cool. I'm gonna go over there right now and give her an old school shelackin'. And if I see your dignity in the ditch, I'll pick it up for ya. Wanda: Oh! Karen: And I win again. Wanda: Wow, you're... Karen: Really good at table hockey and should play Brent? Francine (phone): So, do you have someone to nominate? Lacey (phone): Yes, I do. Emma Leroy. Francine: Emma? What's she done for the community? Lacey (phone): Uh... Francine (phone): I would hate to see you nominate someone without reason. That's a debacle from which few youngish women recover. Lacey (phone): It is all gonna work out. You'll see, when you get the nomination, she has done lots. Francine (phone): Okay. Lacey (phone): Okay. Lacey: What have you done for the community lately? Emma: Pardon? Lacey: Well, you know, what have you done for the community, I was just wondering? Emma: Oh. What about "How's the weather?" or "How's your health?" Lacey: Sorry. How are you feelin'? Emma: Good. Can't complain. Lacey: Okay. And what have you done for the community? Brent: So Karen won. She must be okay. Wanda: She has a different style of game, very disciplined. Brent: I just dump it into the corners. Davis: She passes. It's amazing. Your way's the old-fashioned way. You're outta touch. She's the best in Dog River. Brent: Could be. Wanda: She's not the best. Brent's the best. You better be prepared to put your money where your mouth is, where your Karen is, put Karen where your mouth is. Brent: It doesn't really matter. Davis: Oh, big talk, tough guy. Karen's gonna destroy you. Karen: Destroy him? That's a little dramatic, don't ya think? Davis: It just kinda slipped out. Wanda: You scared now? Karen: No. I'll play. Wanda: Brent will destroy you. He's a terrifying table hockey monster. Brent: Hey, look. These little guys got moustaches. Wanda: You can't have all the games at the Police station. That's home ice advantage, well, home fibreboard advantage. Davis: All right. We'll have a best of seven series, four games at the Police station, four games at Oscar and Emma's. Wanda: That's eight. Davis: Fine. You want eight games, you're on. Lacey: Have you guys ever noticed how many great things Emma does around here? Davis: She works here? Wanda: Since when? Lacey: Around town. You know? Has she ever done anything that, that really stood out? Wanda: Well, she does have that red jacket. Davis: That's true, she does have that jacket. Wanda: Looks pretty sharp. Davis: And warm. Lacey: Great. Thanks for your help. Hank: What are you doin'? Karen: Checkin' my pulse. Hank: Duh? It's on your wrist. So, uh, trainin' for the big match? Karen: Well, I run normally, but I guess it could help. Hank: You're like a machine. How far do you run? Karen: Down to the thing. Hank: It's like a science with you. Karen: Mm-hmm. Hank: Whoa. I've just seen the new face of table hockey. Brent: Eight games? That doesn't make any sense. Why not the best of seven? Wanda: It's a Davis math issue. Don't worry. We'll crush 'em. Hank: How's the training goin'? Brent: What are you doin'? Hank: I'm gonna tape this series for posterity. It's gonna be big. Wanda: That's a state-of-the-art camera you got there. Hank: VHS, baby. What? This is you preparing? 'Cause Karen was joggin'. Wanda: Jogging? Hank: Yeah, she's good. I mean, she doesn't know where her pulse is, but... Wanda: Karen's jogging. What are you doing? Brent: Well, I hadn't thought about it. I'm pretty sure it won't be jogging. Wanda: Wow. A lotta people showed up. Davis: It's our national pastime. Well, a miniature version of our national pastime. Brent: So you've trained pretty hard. I heard you been joggin'. Karen: I heard you been drinkin'. Brent: Well, I don't want to brag. Wanda: Okay, people, there's too many of you down here. You're gonna have to clear out. You're throwin' my boy off his game. Hank: Hey, I could run a cable from this up to the TV upstairs. They can watch up there and I could stay down here and shoot it. Karen: That's a great idea, aside from you staying. Hank: Thanks. Francine: So, you're nominating Emma because she's a nice lady and she has a red jacket. Lacey: And you'll notice that's my own printing. I have very neat printing. Francine: I hope this isn't a joke nomination. Because I went to the wall for you. There was talk of you being allowed to write on the calendar. Lacey: Oh. No. No, it's, it's just that Emma has done so much, that I'm, um, I'm putting it all on a separate sheet. In fact, today, uh, Emma's doing Meals and Wheels. Francine: Isn't that Meals on Wheels? Lacey: Uh-huh. Brent: You ready? Karen: Yeah, now that Hank put his shirt back on. Hank: Why, there's always a streaker. Karen: Just drop the puck. Davis: Why is this in black and white? Emma: It's Hank. Oscar: It wasn't Hank. I hooked it up. Wanda: And it doesn't work right? Hmm. Now my whole world makes no sense. Emma: I'll get it. Emma: I'm trying to watch the hockey game. Lacey: But I signed us up for Meals and Wheels. Emma: What? Lacey: Oh come one, it'll be fun. I've got the meals and the wheels. This is for the community. You can't coast on that jacket forever. Emma: Jacket? Those sandwiches look good. Lacey: This isn't what I had in mind. Oh. Is that roast beef? Karen: Hah! You lose! Brent: I'm just lulling ya into a false...I gotta lie down. Hank: You, you beat Brent. You're Queen of the Knobs. Karen: Please don't call me that. Davis: Yeah, Brent came out strong, but faded at the end. Wanda: He's got to intensify his training. Hank: Hey, Brent, you think you should be here drinkin'? Brent: Where should I be drinkin', at the playground? Hank: Oh, fine, play it your way. Wanda: Hey, Brent, do you think you should be here drinking? Brent: This is the worst intervention ever. Wanda: You should be at home resting. Brent: What are you, my mother? Emma: You should be at home resting. Brent: What are ya, my annoying employee? Brent: I'm gonna have a coffee, if that's okay. Wanda: I'll say this for your training regime. You keep up your fluid intake. But I guess you have to wash down the jelly doughnut. Brent: It's Bavarian Cream. Bavarians are very good at hockey. Wanda: And there goes Karen jogging. Brent: Yeah, yeah. Wanda: Oh. And there's Hank running right behind her. Brent: What is that about? Brent: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are ya doin'? Hank: I used to really admire you and your way of life and I kinda modelled myself after you. But now, I'm gonna live my life like Karen. Brent: I have to win now, for Hank. Wanda: Maybe you should catch your breath first. Brent: Yeah. Wanda: Caught it yet? Brent: Ah-ha! Yeah! Emma: That's my boy. Oscar: He's my boy too. Emma: Sadly, yes. Wanda: Just a burger to go. Lacey: Where is everybody? Wanda: Table Hockey Summit Series. Lacey: Wow, that is really popular, for just a table hockey game. Wanda: It's not just a game. It's a way of life. Think of those little metal kids growing up on little metal farms. Lacey: Emma should charge admission and donate the money to charity. Wanda: What charity? Lacey: I don't know. Who cares? Wanda: Your heart's in the right place. Lacey: We should take donations for charity. Emma: Not now. Watching hockey. Lacey: Okay. I'll be by the door. Oh, do you have a coffee can I can borrow? Emma: Hockey. Lacey: Thank you. Oscar: A tie? What do they mean the game's a tie. Emma: That would never happen in a real hockey series. Oscar: Emma, your son's an embarrassment. Emma: He's your son too. Oscar: Yeah, sadly, yes. Hank: So, Brent, can you understand why, uh, people are disappointed? Brent: Look, I'm just out here well, down here tryin' hell, I'm tryin' my best. And for people to boo, I mean I'm disheartened and disillusioned. And let's face facts. Karen is a good player. And that's not to say I'm not out here givin' my 150%. But to boo? Emma: What are you doing? You don't boo Brent in my house. Oscar: Boo! Boo! Yeah, you heard her. Emma: Everyone out. Lacey: But look. Look how much money you've raised. Emma: I don't care about some dumb charity. Everyone out. Lacey: She is very passionate. Francine: Mmm. Davis: How did you manage to make it black and white, again? Oscar: Just watch the game, jackass. Karen: Hey, one of your players is on the ice. Brent: Oh, that's Esposito. He fell down. That's embarrassing. Emma: Why would I want to come with you to the Dog River Youngish Women's Association? Lacey: You're being honoured. I didn't tell you because it was supposed to be a surprise. Emma: Why me? Lacey: I thought you were unappreciated. Emma: Wow. When's the ceremony? Lacey: Tomorrow. Emma: But that's when Brent and Karen play the final game. Lacey: Oh, but you deserve this, Emma. This is about women coming together, honouring each other, celebrating what it is that keeps our womanness. I'll give ya a hundred bucks. Emma: All righty then. Francine: Welcome all potentially distinguished women. I appreciate each and every one of you being here today. Emma: I wish I'd know sooner. I would have bought a dress. Lacey: Oh, I know. It's such short notice for me too. Emma: Is that a price tag? Davis: If this game ends in a tie, then the series will be tied. We'll have scored more goals and I'll be claiming victory. Wanda: You'll be claimin' dental surgery. Francine: This award is... Emma: You know, before this, I never really felt unappreciated. But I guess you don't feel how appreciated you are until you get recognized for your unappreciation. Lacey: Oh, okay. Well, you don't have to thank me, if that's what you were doing. Francine: However, I am pleased to award this to Lacey Burrows. Lacey: Oh. Wow. Brent: What? Wanda: Davis is claiming a win if you tie! Brent: So? Wanda: You gotta take her down! Is there a real hockey stick around here? Slash her shins! Davis: Okay, let's go. Wanda: No, no, no! Karen: That's not wholesome family entertainment. Francine: Congratulations, Lacey. Lacey: Thanks. I'm sorry for dragging you out when the big game's on and everything. But look on the bright side. I won. I won. They picked me. And this dress looks so great. Emma: My price just went up to 150. Brent: All right, let's finish this. Yah-hah-haa-ha! Henderson! Henderson! Oscar: Ya did it! That's my boy! Brent: Wow. I've never heard that before. It's, it's kinda creepy. Davis: You may have lost, partner. But you played one hell of a series. Karen: Yeah. It reminds me of something, but I don't know what. Oscar: Yeah. That'll go down in Dog River history. Wanda: They'll be talkin' about it 30 years from now. Brent: Aw, go on. It was nothin'. Boy: Tell us, again, about the time you won the Table Hockey Series. Brent: That was weeks ago, kid. Can't you see I got a costume party to go to. Hank: Come on, man, let's go. What kinda costume is that supposed to be. Brent: Old guy. Category:Transcripts